Happy Father’s Day?

Father’s Day is a great time to reflect upon all of the ways in which dads tangibly shape our lives. Fathers, especially for males, profoundly influence how we see and interact with the world. They help shape our interests by passing on family traditions and values (For what other reason would someone ever become Met fan?) and help guide us through the various stages of development (Who else had the balls to tell you it was time to shave that awkward 8th grade mustache?).

The most interesting thing about dads is that they provide you with a living example of what you can, and probably will be like later in life. Sure, every young man can grow up to be the President of the United States, but most end up living just like the overworked, overweight, and overtaxed dude who passes out every weeknight on the living room couch during Last Call With Carson Daly (I swear, this guy’s entire audience must consist of sleeping fathers who drift off after Conan/Jimmy Fallon).
But that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with becoming like your father. I’m cool with it. It’s natural…so don’t resist.
Unless of course you have a shitty dad. Fortunately, a great role model holds that position for me. My dad’s ambitious, morally-grounded, and fun…so it’s easy for me to accept that I’ll likely follow in his footsteps. But what about those who aren’t as lucky?

In order to fully appreciate the great fathers of the world, we should take a few minutes this Father’s Day to recognize and celebrate some of the worst. Hopefully this will help settle any daddy issues in your life, and help you become more comfortable with the man you’re going to be.

The list is long, but here’s a start.

1. Kim Jung- ll.

– So you want to take over the world and assume the role of a global villain? Fine with me. Your obsession with James Bond films is well-documented, so who can blame you for simply wanting to join the likes of Jaws, Dr. No, or Odd Job (You’d be an excellent choice to play this role if they ever remake Goldfinger). The only thing that pisses me off is that you’re now pushing your son, Kim Jung- Un, in the same sad direction. This doesn’t sound so much like a Bond film anymore, it sounds more like the plot of Austin Powers. Sure, the “Crazy Gene” can sometimes be hereditary, but most of the time power transitions like this happen just like they did between Dr. Evil and his son Scott (Luge lessons, anyone?).

2. Darth Vader.

–  You separate your son from his sister at birth, make him work on a farm until his mid-twenties, and then cut off his hand before telling him you’re his dad? That’s kinda fucked up…even coming from the most feared man in a galaxy far far away.

3. Cameron’s Dad from Ferris Bueller.

– The man loved the car more than life itself! He loved it more than his wife…and his son.
"You Killed The Car"

"You Killed The Car"

4. Abraham

– Did it really take a flying angel to convince you that it was a little outlandish to bind your son to an altar and sacrifice him in the name of God? Most dad’s simply enjoy a game of catch in the backyard with their boys.
There are many more bad fathers that could be added to this list. However, I’m confident that there are significantly more good ones out there. This Father’s Day, let’s all celebrate these guys.
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