A few scorching observations from this week’s “Ride Along” to Malebolge and back:
1. Still not an occupation.
2. Chemistry as a metaphor is just a lame simile.
3. Shouts to all of Ben’s former teachers who were most definitely watching their newly famous former student call them hags (paraphrasing) on one of network TV’s most enduring programs (while “running through the halls of high school” faster than John Mayer runs from the fact he once penned this euphorically nostalgic song).
4. Ben blaming that Ricky Rubio-esque jumper on his button-down may have murdered fellow Hoosier Jimmy Chitwood.
5. I’m making eye contact with you too, Lace!
6. ”Hi kids. Are you having fun during your reality television-induced abandonment?”
7. Poor Man’s Noah Emmerich SLAYS as dystopian Dr. Love.
8. Shushanna speaks English?!
9. On a scale of 1-Carrie’s Mom:
Abandoning your two little girls for a dating show = Carrie’s Mom
Only acknowledging their existence out of pure desperation = 7.5
Comparing them to other contestants’ dogs = 7.0
10. “If it was never new, and it never gets old, it’s a song from Amos Lee’s bizarro private concert during The Bachelor’s 20th season’s second episode.” – Llewyn Davis
11. I obviously chose “LB” in my first ever suicide pool. Blessing in disguise. My fickle heart wasn’t built for this show.
12. See y’all next week?